


With or Without You

by jaebe0m



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Angels, Alternate Universe - Guardian Angels, Angst, Death, Jihoon's mom, M/M, Minor Character Death, Slight fluff, jihoon can see ghosts uwu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 15:40:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13720773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaebe0m/pseuds/jaebe0m
Summary: Guanlin can't live with Jihoon but he can't live without him either.(Or, where Guanlin is an angel and he falls in love with a human)





	1. One

“Are you ready for you first day?” Jisung asks with a gentle smile on his face. Yoon Jisung was in charge of orientating the new angels, guiding them throughout their first days and generally just helping the clueless guardians on what their job really was about. Because of his kind eyes and warm smile, new angels found comfort in him and Guanlin, though still terrified, was not an exception.

“I - I don’t think I can do this.” Guanlin feels a lump form in his throat. When he died a few months ago, he imagined himself resting on a bed made of soft, fluffy clouds, eating his favorite meals every day, learning the secrets of the universe but never did he ever imagine that he was going to be assigned as someone's _Guardian Angel_.

“Of course you can! That’s why the Heavens chose you and not the other angels!” Jisung puts his hands on Guanlin’s shoulders as some sort of comfort. It works, but only a little because Guanlin can still feel his heart aching to burst out of his chest and his stomach wanting to let out everything inside of it.

“Why couldn't I just be in another department?” Guanlin slouches and pouts. “Daniel and Seongwu are both in the Miracle Department and they both say it's the best job in the world! Why can’t I be with them?” He whines.

Guanlin envies his two older friends who are most probably going around the world right now, looking for new miracles to do, new messes to fix. Since they were in the Miracle Department, they were in charge of granting tiny miracles to those who deserved it the most; They were small deeds of goodness like making a student pass a test, putting an extra chicken nugget in someone’s meal or even, making a stray dog find a new owner. Everybody in that department was happy and bright and had a heart of gold and Guanlin wished that he could be a part of that.

“Because this job was made for you.” Jisung nods and sends Guanlin his famous warm, almost motherly smile.

Guanlin looks down and coaxes himself to accept the fact that from now and forever, he was going to be someone’s Guardian Angel.

Jisung brings Guanlin to a university. The campus was enormous and hundreds of students littered the area. Guanlin feels his stomach twist and turn at the thought of his assignment once again and almost as if Jisung knew, he held Guanlin’s hand once more and rubbed circles on his palms.

“Now, all we have to do is wait for him.” Jisung’s voice rises and it makes Guanlin feel bad that he was so excited for him when Guanlin himself could barely even look at anything around him.

“It’s a boy?” Guanlin asks. A thousand questions and worries rush inside his head. What if the boy caused a lot of trouble? That would mean Guanlin would have to work extra. What if he was annoying? Guanlin was an angel and he was pretty sure that going against the Heaven’s rules would mean a few penalties.

“He’s about your age, actually. I think that’s why they chose him for you.” Jisung replies.

“Why do certain people need guardian angel’s again?” Guanlin asks sheepishly. He may be an angel but that doesn't mean he had to be perfect. Guanlin remembers falling asleep during the talk and he could barely remember what transpired during those 3 hours.

Jisung sighs and merely laughs at Guanlin’s quite honest question. “Because some people need extra care and caring comes best from an angel.”

“Well, why do I need to provide extra care for this guy? What’s wrong with him?” Guanlin aims to ask as much questions as he can before Jisung eventually leaves him to do his job by himself. Also, he was still slightly annoyed at the fact that he had to become a Guardian Angel from all the jobs available and he needed to know if there was possibly a good reason to remain in the Guardian Angel Department.

“He’s sick, Guanlin.” He feels his heart drop a little. Now, he understands why they assigned him to the boy.

Guardian Angels are assigned to people who go through difficult and dispiriting times in their lives. Every situation and case varies: such as kids who don't have families, people who wish to end their lives, people who go through great grief and in Guanlin's case, people who are diagnosed with terminal illnesses. Maybe that's why the Guardian Angel department has such an infamous reputation, because they undergo the most difficult job.

“So he's just like me, huh?” And Jisung just nods sadly. Guanlin had passed because of an illness. He had to endure frequent hospitals trips and spending most of his teenage life trapped in his own bedroom. He knows what's it’s like to be alive and not exactly live; He knows it almost too well since it's what kills him.

“Oh! There he is right now!” Guanlin is relieved that humans can't exactly hear angels because if they did, Jisung would be creating a scene right now. Jisung points to a boy who's back was turned against them. He was clad in an oversized grey hoodie, jeans and sneakers. He looked normal, average, that it would be hard to believe that he was about to gain a gift from the Heavens that day.

When he turns around to face a friend, Guanlin can finally make out the boy’s face a little. He looked younger than his actual age, which was 18. He had big eyes, long pretty lashes and an even prettier smile. Guanlin will admit that the boy was incredibly handsome, and that's saying something since Guanlin was ranked as one of the most beautiful angels by his colleagues.

(And yes, angels hold angel beauty contests.)

“What's his name again?” Guanlin scratches his head and Jisung face palms. He really should start taking more note from now on since only now is it sinking in that he will be looking after a human being.

“You really should start paying attention next time,” Jisung shakes his head disappointedly but he laughs right after which eases something inside Guanlin. “His name is Jihoon. Park Jihoon.”

 _Jihoon_. He says it out loud once but repeats it inside his head over and over again. It rolled off his tongue naturally, like he was meant to say it. It was nice a name for an equally nice looking guy.

“Since it's your first day, you don't have to do much. You can just get used to your surroundings here on Earth and write a short report when you get back later.” Jisung reminds him. Guanlin, if it was even possible to feel anxious even as a angel, was certainly unsettled.

“Are - are you leaving already?” Guanlin fiddles with his fingers and looks up at Jisung who was looking at him with a worried expression. Jisung just softens at the question.

“It's your first day. You’ll be okay.” Jisung puts his thumbs up and Guanlin takes a deep breath just to allow everything to slowly sink in.

Before Jisung turns around to leave, he looks back at Guanlin who was standing too close to a tree in attempt to hide himself, as if humans don't already see him. “Why don't you recite the basic rules to me first before I leave.”

Guanlin digs inside his brain and hopes that he could recall at least one thing from that incredibly long talk. “One, don’t show yourself unless the Heavens allow it. Two, you are not allowed to get involved with other people except your person. Three, do not attempt to fix everything because it is not our job to fix lives. Lastly, do not get attached.” He recites them almost confidently. What he said was not exactly wrong, just non-verbatim.

“Well, you're not wrong.” Jisung shrugs and laughs once again at Guanlin’s inadequacy. “I think you're ready.”

“Maybe.” Guanlin nods. Jisung finally lets out his angel wings to leave. Now, he was alone to fend for himself and technically this stranger.


	2. Two

Jihoon walks home while Guanlin stays a few feet behind him like a creep. Guanlin is glad that he is an angel and technically, nobody should be able to see him. It is late in the afternoon, the sun was about to set which made the sky show an orange hue. The boy sluggishly treads the quiet streets alone, his earphones plugged in his ears and his hands inside the pockets of his jacket.

The boy enters the old condominium at the end of street and walks up the stairs despite the fact that there was an elevator. Guanlin kind of despises the fact that Jihoon didn’t just use the perfectly working elevator since he had to climb so many steps just to reach the sixth floor. Again, he is an angel but that didn't mean he had to have perfect stamina.

Guanlin takes a glimpse of the tiny apartment. It was dark but it was filled with tons of different things such as family pictures, plants, a small bookshelf and, a few other things that showed how there was life in this otherwise, dimly lit complex. Jihoon enters his room after changing his shoes and Guanlin follows him like a dog. The boy’s room looked like it wasn't even part of the same house. His bed had four large stuffed toys that took up almost the majority of the bed, books messily sprawled on top of small study desk, and instead of family items and books in his shelf, he had old toys and awards from when he was younger. It was bright and warm and Guanlin wished he had a room just like it.

Jihoon lets down his bag next to his bed, his back facing towards Guanlin. Suddenly, the boy turns with a pair of very sharp scissors in his hands and a scared look on his face. “Why - why are you following me? Who are you?” The scissors in Jihoon’s hands tremble.

Guanlin panics and looks around him for what could possibly be another human presence but there was none. It was just him and Jihoon. He couldn't possibly see Guanlin, right?

Wrong.

“I’m talking to you.” Jihoon points the scissors at Guanlin’s direction. It couldn’t possibly be him. He was an angel, an entity of another world. Technically, he wasn't even real on Earth, he was merely a ghost. 

“Me?” Guanlin puts a finger on his chest. “You can see me?” 

“Of course I can, you idiot!” Jihoon’s eyes narrow threateningly. “What do you want from me?” 

“How - how can you see me?” Guanlin takes a step back but a drawer stops him from doing so. A few items that rested on top of the drawer fall down and drop to his feet. 

“I have eyes.” Jihoon says in an obvious tone.

“No. no.” Guanlin’s fingers make its way on his hair and he pulls it slightly from shock and fear. “You're not supposed to see me. No one is.”

“Well I can see you! As clear as day, may I add!” Jihoon raises his voice. He takes a few steps closer towards Guanlin but from the way his hands and legs tremble, Guanlin knows he's scared.

“Don’t you get it? You're not supposed to be seeing me!” Guanlin’s voice raises a little just to match the exasperation of Jihoon’s. It feel wrong, he hasn't felt this way for so long so now, all of his emotions suddenly feel weird and unusual.

“I’m - I’m not?” Jihoon lowers the scissors and finally, Guanlin can feel himself breathing a little normally. 

“Yes, you’re not supposed to see me.” Guanlin explains and all Jihoon does is send him a weird, puzzled look. “I’m an angel.” He may have slept during the angel orientation but he is positive that telling humans you're an angel is against the rules.

“A what?” Jihoon furrows his brows like he's trying to understand this entire situation yet he continues to look at Guanlin like he was talking nonsense. “An angel?” 

Guanlin nods quickly and he sees that Jihoon no longer has the scissors pointing towards him. Jihoon still looks lost and confused and quite frankly, Guanlin shares the same sentiments.

“How - how can you see me?” Guanlin wonders this time. His voice is quiet, gentle in order to seem less frightening to the boy. 

“I can see ghosts.” Jihoon looks at him, this time less confused and more accepting.

He really should not have slept during that talk. Feeling like all he has done is make mistakes, Guanlin wishes to just get back up there and forget about this whole disastrous day. Did the talk mention anything about humans who can see angels and what they should do once they threaten your life? He isn't so sure but it doesn't matter anyways since he slept through majority of it.

“Why are you here? What the hell do you want?” Guanlin flinches at Jihoon's tone and also because of the fact that he said the word ‘hell’. Guanlin is not trying to attract any more trouble but he feels like he is.

“I’m your guardian angel.” Guanlin finally admits. He shuts his eyes in case God decides to come down to give him a sermon on how he's already one of the worst angels in the world next to like, Lucifer probably.

“You are?” Jihoon straightens up and completely lets go of the sharp object. From the way Jihoon is just standing there looking at him, tells Guanlin that he was probably busy just allowing all of this information process inside his brain.

“Yes, I am. Please don't hurt me. It’s my first day and I’m here to protect you.” Guanlin pleads and he can see Jihoon's mouth curl up slightly into a smile but he convinces himself it’s just his mind playing tricks on him.

“I won’t.” 

“Thank you.” Guanlin sighs in relief.

The two just stand there in silence, not knowing how to explain any of the things that just went down. 

“Have you always seen ghosts?” Guanlin decides to break the silence since the way Jihoon stares at him was beginning to make him uncomfortable.

“Yeah, ever since my grandmother passed.” Jihoon admits. All Guanlin is thinking of is whether or not he has met Jihoon’s grandmother up there. “I’ve seen all sorts of things but never in my life have I encountered an angel before.” 

“Well if it counts, never in my time being an angel has a human ever seen me before.” Which is kind of true but that's only because it's been almost 6 months since he has even stepped back on to Earth.

Jihoon laughs and Guanlin thinks about how nice it sounds. He also thinks about how he wished he could hear it again.

“It’s my turn to ask now.” Guanlin looks at Jihoon curiously who was sitting on his bed, clutching a giant stuffed bear. “Why are you here? It's because I’m sick, isn't it?” 

Guanlin hates how he has to agree. It's true, the only reason why he's even here in the first place is because he has to look after him because he was sick. There was nothing wrong with it since it was his job but he couldn't help but feel guilty; He felt guilty about how Jihoon probably thinks the only time he needed protection was when he's already dying.

“Yeah I thought so,” Jihoon answers his own question which takes a little weight off Guanlin’s shoulders since he didn't want to admit it himself. “It’s fine. I get it. God wants someone to look after me before I die.”

Jihoon makes it sound like it’s a bad thing; He makes it sound harsh and almost, meaningless. But Guanlin understand because he's felt that way before. Having to deal with an illness for majority of his teenage years just to ultimately die to it, wasn't exactly a nice thing to experience. If he saw his guardian angel when he was dying, he would have hated it too—hated the way that they only came when he had nothing else left to live for. Now here he was, face to face with someone just like him and he doesn't know what to make of it.

“I'm also here because I was just like you.” Guanlin looks down with shame but Jihoon deserves to hear the truth. He knows that if he were in his place, he would want to hear it too. “I died a few months ago because I was sick. I’m here because I don't want you to end up like me.” 

They make eye contact and Guanlin can see the tears welling up in Jihoon’s eyes. His eyes were really pretty, they were round and reminded Guanlin of stars. Maybe it’s the way they slightly sparkle in the light or just the way how mesmerizing he finds them.

“What's your name?” Jihoon asks, the tone of his voice was soft.

“Lai Guanlin.” 

“That’s a nice name.” Jihoon smiles.


	3. Three

“How’s the first day so far?” A fellow Guardian Angel named Daehwi asks. They were the same age except Daehwi had been an angel for a year now. He had light brown hair and the brightest smile Guanlin has ever seen on Earth or Heaven, even.

“Unusual. But it was fine.” Guanlin recalls how the day went and shivers slightly from the memory of it all.

“What's their story?” Daehwi wonders as he stuffs a french fry inside his mouth.

“Terminally ill.” Guanlin passes it off like it didn't mean as much but he and Daehwi have been friends ever since Guanlin came and he knows that the topic was something sensitive.

But before Daehwi could muster up a reply, the two are interrupted with the loud metal clanging of trays on the table. Daniel and Seongwu decide to join them like they always do.

“Here's our little Guardian Angel!” Daniel teases as he messes up Guanlin’s hair. Seongwu laughs and Daehwi joins them. As much as Guanlin loves Daniel and Seongwu, sometimes he wished they would just shut up.

“Heard from Jisung that your person is quite good looking.” Seongwu winks and all Guanlin can do is burrow his face in his palms; One, because he’s embarrassed and two, well, because Seongwu wasn't wrong. Guanlin sometimes forgets that Jisung is not only a motherly figure but also, the biggest gossiper ever.

“Is he really?” Daehwi perks up and starts making weird noises in order to further continue the teasing. Guanlins simply rolls his eyes which makes Daehwi pout.

“Is he nice?” Daniel questions with a hopeful look on his face.

“Yeah, kinda. I haven't really gotten know him yet. I mean, it was still my first day.” Guanlin reminds them in case they forgot. “anyways, don’t you guys have things to do?” He asks in order to finally move the focus away from him

“We’re taking a short break right now since we just made this couple find their lost dog.” Daniel exclaims. They really did have the best job and how Guanlin wished he could be there with them. But maybe, soon enough, he’ll get used to it.

“How about you? Don’t you have to attend to your Earth duties right now?” Seongwu raises an eyebrow comically and Guanlin, like always, laughs at him.

“He’s in school right now and either way, if there’s something wrong I’ll know.” Guanlin says. If you’re a Guardian Angel, you somehow get a special heart. It’s connected with the person they’re supposed to be protecting and if something goes wrong, the angel feels it in their heart.

And almost as if Jihoon knew what they were talking about, Guanlin begins to feel an unusual ache in his heart. Nothing big and painful, just peculiar. He bids his friends goodbye and decides to come down to check whether or not Jihoon was okay.

He finds Jihoon in the school’s clinic, resting on a bed.

“You’re here.” Jihoon, even with his eyes closed, knew Guanlin was in the room and Guanlin wonders what else Jihoon can see.

“What’s wrong?” Guanlin sits on the edge of Jihoon’s bed. It squeaks and he panics but he realizes that there was nobody else in the room except for the nurse who left for lunch.

“Headache.” Jihoon sits up and flinches slightly.

“Will you be okay?” Guanlin asks.

“I think so.” Jihoon nods reassuringly. “Don’t worry, my guardian angel. I will be fine.” He jokes and lays a hand on Guanlin’s shoulders. Guanlin feels something inside him stir up.

“Do - do you want to be alone?” Guanlin doesn’t want to be that annoying angel who doesn't seem leave their person alone. If Jihoon wants to be by himself, Guanlin will make sure that’s what he gets as long as Jihoon is doing okay.

“Actually, can you keep me company? I have nobody to talk to.” Jihoon looks up at Guanlin with a certain sparkle in his eyes.

_There it is again._ Guanlin thinks. _The stars_.

And so, Guanlin stays there for a few minutes just talking to Jihoon. Guanlin talks about all the things he missed on Earth—from his family, to his friends and his favorite movies and favorite places to go. Jihoon tells him about all the things that have happened so far since Guanlin left.

“You know what will suck?” Jihoon says with a sour look on his face which just makes Guanlin feel the familiar stirring that rested in his stomach or maybe, his chest.

“What?” Guanlin asks with a smile on his face. He never knew he missed human conversation this much. It was different up there, they still did talk about earthly things but it wasn’t the same as compared to talking to a human being.

“I won’t ever fall in love.” Jihoon pouts and Guanlin is taken aback by his honesty and sudden revelation.

“You don’t know that.” Guanlin disagrees. And it’s true, he doesn't. Jihoon may be sick but that doesn't mean he doesn't have his entire life ahead of him and though Guanlin has never fallen in love either, he knows that it can happen anytime.

“I’m sick Guanlin. I won't be lasting very long and even then, I’ll be too sick to be loved and I’ll be too busy locked away in a room.” Jihoon gives him a look that shows that he's already accepted it.

Again, Guanlin knows how it feels since he's felt too many times before and though he's already moved on from it, sometimes it comes back to him and makes him hurt all over. Guanlin doesn't want to tell him not to think that way because he knows he can't blame him and feeling that way was going to be unavoidable.

“I don't think that's the case,” Guanlin shrugs and Jihoon just stares at him. “You’ll fall in love. Maybe not today but, someday. I like to think that you will.”

“Bet?” Jihoon says and Guanlin just snickers at the sudden suggestion.

“Okay, fine.” Guanlin gives in and with the goofy smile Jihoon has on his face, Guanlin’s glad he did. “How much?”

“If I win, you have to tell me an angel secret,” Jihoon winks and Guanlin groans at the thought that he might possibly end up losing his job because of a stupid bet. “What do you want if you win?”

Guanlin thinks for a moment and there's really nothing much he could ask for that Jihoon could give. “Nothing, really.” He shrugs.

Jihoon rolls his eyes at Guanlin.“I’ll give you 1000 won and a hug.”

“Good enough.” Guanlin agrees.

They talk for awhile longer before Jihoon decides that he’ll just head back to class, finish the day and go back home. He tells Guanlin he can leave to do his, in Jihoon’s words, ‘angel activities’. Guanlin feels slightly disappointed that he won’t be able to spend more time with Jihoon since he genuinely began enjoying being with him.

When Guanlin gets back to the dorm he shares with Daehwi, he finds Jisung waiting outside his door, pacing around with a tense look on his face. Uneasiness begins forming inside his stomach but he pushes it away, hoping that Jisung was here for a good reason.

“Guanlin…” Jisung sighs as soon as he sees the younger boy making his way towards him. “We need to talk about something.” With the sound of Jisung’s voice, Guanlin knows it’s going be serious and maybe even, unpleasant.

“What’s wrong?” Guanlin asks, trying to keep a smile on his face but it drops automatically from the way Jisung looks at him.

“Jihoon. You're talking to him.” Jisung says with a puzzled and a disbelief look on his face. “You know you can't do that, you _shouldn't_ be doing that.”

Guanlin stares down at his perfectly white sneakers. He knows Jisung is right but it wasn't exactly his fault that Jihoon could see him; He had no choice.

“He can see me,” Guanlin finally says. “It’s not my fault he can see me.”

Jisung turns to him abruptly with an astonished expression. “He - he can?”

Guanlin nods and Jisung’s shoulders slouch. “But Guanlin, if the others find out…” His voice fades. “If the rest of the department finds out, the Archangels, they’ll punish you and you should know that.” Jisung explains and every word he says stings Guanlin.

“I know,” Guanlin’s voice is in a low hushed tone. “But he can see me and I can't just pretend that he doesn't.”

Jisung grabs Guanlin's wrist, puts his hand on his and holds it. He looks at the younger boy with sad eyes and it makes Guanlin's chest feel heavy. “I understand but talking to him has consequences.” And Guanlin accepts everything Jisung says because he knows he's right and he can't deny that.

“When I was sick, I had no friends to talk to. They all looked at me with pity and all they would do was drop by flowers and cards and leave. I hated it and the more that I felt like I wasn't normal.” His heart aches at old memories and unhealed wounds. “I don't want Jihoon to feel that way.” Even if Guanlin was unsure about his job he, at least, still plans on doing it right.

Guanlin expects Jisung to argue once more, tell him that it’s not right and he was going to get punished but instead, the elder grips his hand even tighter and simply smiles. “This is why you're a guardian angel.”


	4. Four

It’s a Saturday, a couple of weeks since they first met, and Guanlin is back in Jihoon’s room. No longer did it feel foreign and new and exciting, in fact, it almost felt familiar and comforting—almost like home. The two spent the entire afternoon just lounging around, playing games and telling stories; For the first time in months, Guanlin feels normal.

Jihoon has a way of making people feel better; He makes Guanlin feel like himself without doing much. And though Guanlin enjoys being an angel and all the perks that come with it, every once in a while he wishes to be back in his old place and living his normal life. With Jihoon, he doesn’t think about missing home because he already makes Guanlin feel like he belongs.

“Do you want to go somewhere?” Jihoon says as he shuffles the deck of cards for what seems like the 6th time already.

“Where?” Guanlin asks. A hint of excitement and curiosity boils inside of him since he hasn't been around the city in so long. Though he can fly to a plethora of places with his God given wings, it takes a lot of strength and effort to do so and Guanlin is not about that life.

“My second favorite place in the world.” Jihoon pulls a mischievous smile which makes Guanlin's heart skip a beat.

“Why the second? Why can't we go to the first?”

“I think you’ll enjoy this one more.” Jihoon puts back the cards and immediately stands up and grabs his hoodie. Guanlin stays behind him at all times as Jihoon bids his goodbyes to his parents and leaves the apartment.

Guanlin is met with the fresh, cold breeze and the bright, glowing lights of the city. The usual hubbub of crowds, faint music from stores and the tempting smells of greasy street food engulf the two boys and all Guanlin wants to do is take everything in like it's the first time he's seen it.

The two walk around a little more until they reach a small building next to a few clothing stores and food stalls. “Here we are.” Jihoon stands in front of its entrance and he points to the neon sign above him that read ‘Karaoke’.

“This is your second favorite place in the world?” Guanlin raises an eyebrow and laughs at the cheesiness of the older boy. He expected a bookstore, maybe a restaurant or even a shop but really, a karaoke bar?

“Yeah, yeah I get it. Shut up okay! I really like it here.” Jihoon crosses his arms and frowns. Once again, Guanlin can feel his heart skipping a beat.

“Do you come here with friends or do you come here alone?” Guanlin smirks and Jihoon pouts as a response.

“Mostly with friends,” And Guanlin nods. “But sometimes alone.” Jihoon says sheepishly.

“That's cute.” Guanlin regrets it as soon as leaves his lips but from the way Jihoon smiles shyly, he plans on saying it again one day.

“So are you just gonna stand there or are you coming with me?”

Guanlin laughs. “I’m right behind you.”

Jihoon pays for a small room, the clerk most probably thinking he was coming there alone (little did she know, he had an angel right behind him). They enter the room and see the small screen already playing a video and if Guanlin listened closely, he could hear the loud music blasting from the other rooms beside them.

“So, which one of us should it be?” Jihoon holds up two microphones and shoots him a smile.

“Since you're paying and I kind of miss karaoke, I’ll do the honors of singing first.” Guanlin grabs one of the mics and takes a deep breath. The last time he came to karaoke bar was during his 17th birthday. He came with his friends and at that time, he could feel the excitement and joy just bursting all around him but because that was the time he was beginning to get sick, the fun had been cut short and he feels bad knowing he couldn't stay longer.

“Get ready for the performance of the lifetime, Jihoon.” Guanlin winks.

From the first few beats of the song the two immediately stand up and dance. It was almost impossible to not know the song, it has been everywhere and though it was a bit old, it continues to remain legendary. Guanlin poorly sings to Fantastic Baby by Big Bang and it makes Jihoon bend down from laughing so hard. They dance and jump and shout and Guanlin's relieved that only Jihoon was in the room because if it were anyone else, he would be a 100% made fun of. The song ends and they're both panting and sweaty from all the dancing but they smile and laugh through it all.

“Your turn.” Guanlin turns back to Jihoon who was sitting on the leather couch, sipping on his drink.

“I'm still tired so I’ll pass on a fun song.” Jihoon says and Guanlin shakes his head in disapproval. Jihoon stands as he chose a song while Guanlin sits down to take a break from all the bad dancing he had done.

“I think I sing this song every time I come here.” Jihoon says to himself but Guanlin hears him and laughs at the thought of Jihoon sitting down by himself in a dark karaoke room just singing to himself.

_No Make Up by Zion. T._ Guanlin’s heard it before, maybe once or twice but he‘s not so sure how it goes. And so Jihoon sings, it starts of soft but gradually, it builds up and his voice is welcoming and warm and smooth. Every word he sings out taps something inside of the younger boy—almost like a flickering spark. All Guanlin wants to do is to sit and listen to Jihoon sing every song he knows in the world while he watched. Jihoon smiles back at him every once in awhile and Guanlin feels the pounding, the rush all inside of him.

The song ends and it catches Guanlin off guard since he had been staring. “What do you think?” Jihoon smiles shyly and looks down on his worn out sneakers. From the light coming from the screen, Guanlin notices Jihoon’s pink tinted cheeks and ears.

“I - I liked it. I didn’t know you knew how to sing.” Guanlin leans back on the couch.

“I don’t. I just like to sing and perform a lot.” Jihoon laughs. “If it wasn't for my dumb sickness, I would have pursued it.” Jihoon sits down next to Guanlin and the spark inside of him continues to burn.

“You still can do it.” Guanlin suggests.

Jihoon turns to him with a smile and Guanlin sends one back. “Maybe one day.”

After about twenty songs and three bags of potato chips later, their night ultimately ends. Guanlin heads back to his dorm, all the while Jihoon’s voice still playing in his head. He reminisces the city breeze, the bright lights, the sounds of people around him but most of all he thinks of Jihoon. He thinks of his voice, his laugh and how every smile Jihoon sends his way makes him feel like he’s something special.

His room is dark except for the small lamp that lights his way to his bed. Daehwi was holding a book but puts it down and gives Guanlin a smile as soon as he enters. “How was your day? Anything interesting?”

“It was good.” Guanlin lies down, his bed sinking slightly from his weight. “Amazing, actually.” He smiles. Daehwi sends him a knowing look and raises an eyebrow, yet he doesn't question him anymore.

Guanlin goes to bed that night with only one thing on his mind—Jihoon.


	5. Five

It’s night, the moon casting a dreamy glow in the city. The world is still and asleep as if everybody just needed a break from the brightness and rush of it all. When all of a sudden, Guanlin feels a sudden throbbing ache in his chest and immediately he flies down to Earth. Every worst case scenario playing in his head like a warning, a possibility. He appears in a park, shaken and worried. It was dark, only a few street lights helping him pave his way around the foreign place. The park was also empty—swings, seesaws, slides and benches looking like they haven’t been used in awhile. Guanlin heaves a sigh of relief as soon as he sees Jihoon on the far side of the park sitting on a bench that was underneath dozens of tall trees.

“You’re here.” Jihoon looks up at Guanlin. He looks like he had cried; His cheeks slightly tear stained, face still puffy and red, eyes still watery. It breaks Guanlin’s heart seeing him like this, it hurts more than the ache that he felt a few minutes ago. It breaks his heart that he wasn’t able to be there for him but it breaks him even more knowing that Jihoon was probably waiting for him.

Guanlin sits next to him, he sits closer than usual in case Jihoon needed some type of warmth or comfort. “What’s wrong?”

Jihoon gently smiles and avoids the question. “How did you know I was here?”

“I just felt like something was wrong.” He shrugs. “I’m an angel, I can do plenty of things.” Guanlin smiles back at him as if to reassure him that he was going to be okay.

“What’s it like being an angel?” Jihoon was never someone who asked a lot of questions so the sudden interest surprised Guanlin. While Guanlin thinks, Jihoon leans on his shoulder. Guanlin feels like he’s about to combust, implode, explode. The fire, the spark he keeps wanting to push and shove away comes back stronger and more powerful than ever. It ignites inside of him until it’s all he feels. It hurts his insides but only slightly, he takes it in more than anything.

_Maybe Jihoon is a star after all._ Guanlin tells himself. _He ignites a spark inside of me, somehow._

“It’s fine.” Guanlin doesn’t know how to answer the question. He enjoys being an angel, in fact, he loves it but for some reason, right now, he wishes he wasn’t one. “It still feels unreal to me that I am not of this world that technically on Earth, I’m dead. It’s great but somehow it doesn’t compare to being human.”

“Are you happy being an angel?” Jihoon asks, his head still resting on Guanlin’s bony shoulders. Guanlin likes the way it feels right that Jihoon is there, that for some reason he was meant to be there, next to Guanlin—like his shoulders were meant to be comfort for him.

“Yes.” Guanlin answers honestly yet something inside him doesn’t sit right.

There is a sudden, deafening silence that surrounds them; Only the sounds of the bristling leaves, the chirps of birds from a distance and a few cars from the road meters away. They just sit there in silence, so close to one another that it makes Guanlin question everything around him.

“I found out today that I only have a few months left.” Jihoon’s voice was barely audible but it was all Guanlin could hear.

And that’s when Guanlin feels the break. His heart—maybe—or just everything inside of him shatters into pieces.

“Are you scared?” Guanlin keeps his voice in a low whisper. He looks down at Guanlin whose eyes were looking at something in the distance—he was distracted and out of it and Guanlin can see it.

“No.” Jihoon’s answer sends shivers down Guanlin’s spine. All of a sudden it’s too cold and the evening breeze was haunting and piercing.

“Why not?” Guanlin questions. He remembers the first time he found out he only had a few months left; The look of his parents, his sister when his doctor talked to them broke him more than knowing he was going to die soon. Despite knowing how it feels to no longer care about what happens next, Guanlin hates Jihoon’s indifference.

“Wouldn’t you like that? When I die that means I can be with you.” Jihoon sits up, his head no longer on Guanlin’s shoulder and now it felt empty and bare. Guanlin takes a deep breath and realizes that he was probably holding it in the whole time. Jihoon simply smiles at Guanlin who was looking at him with the most heartbroken eyes.

“I want to be with you too but more than anything, I want you to be alive.” Guanlin says. His heart jumping at how Jihoon would react to his sudden confession.

Jihoon’s fingers were warm and as he held Guanlin’s long cold fingers, the angel feels heat rise up to his cheeks. “I want to stay alive too.”

“Good.”

Jihoon plays with Guanlin’s fingers and again, rests his head on him. Guanlin doesn’t know whether or not he should love or hate that fact that Jihoon fits so perfectly with him. “I still wish that I can be alive with you.”

Guanlin wishes the same. 


	6. Six

Being an angel is a big responsibility. Angels look after the world as God’s associates, disciples; They bring miracles and life and new hope. As an angel, Guanlin can certainly feel the weight of the world on him as he is undeniably aware that he is a disciple of Heaven. He holds universal secrets and answers to the unknown, all of the things he could never have imagined as a human being. Secrets such as the truth about angels and demons, the afterlife, how the world works, everything you could imagine he could probably answer. You’d think as an angel, as a Heavenly being, he’d keep the secrets of the world, well, a _secret_.

If it weren’t for punishments, Guanlin wouldn’t really mind spilling the secrets of the world to Jihoon. He doesn’t care much about hiding the truth about aliens or whether or not the devil was real. To Guanlin, it didn’t matter much because he was too caught up hiding his _own_ secrets.

Guanlin would willingly answer everything Jihoon would want to know about the world but he doesn’t think he could ever tell Jihoon that he was in love with him. He could never tell Jihoon that he adored him, that he found all the stars in his eyes, that everything feels incomplete without him.

Jihoon was Guanlin’s universal secret.

Guanlin doesn’t want to indulge on the intricate details of how he first fell in love with him—it kind of just happened. It wasn’t sudden, he was sure of that, he realized that ever since he first saw Jihoon the feeling in his chest just began to grow from there until it overflowed and took over him completely.

When he sees Jihoon smile and laugh and cry, the feeling just grows. When Jihoon touches him, the feeling flutters and floats and leaves him out of breath. When Jihoon makes him feel like he’s human, the feeling simply burns and stings because it just proves how Guanlin wasn’t normal—how they weren’t meant to be. Guanlin has witnessed his fair share of magical and extraordinary events but nothing comes close, nothing at all, to Jihoon.

If only he could, Guanlin would give Jihoon the entire universe. He would grab the most beautiful star and let it sit on the palm of his hands, he would make flowers bloom with every step Jihoon makes, he would do everything to make Jihoon feel his heart.

Yet he doesn’t do any of that because he knows he isn’t allowed to love him.

He knows it’s wrong to fall in love with a human. He’s mindful of the consequences and the possible punishments he could face but somehow when he catches Jihoon looking at him, it doesn’t matter—nothing does.

The whole world sleeps while Guanlin sits on his bed thinking of what he could do to possibly get Jihoon off his mind and chest. He doesn’t want the others to know yet, he doesn’t want to deal with it alone.

He notices Daehwi enter the room. Daehwi, always bright, cheery and caring; He’s always willing to listen to Guanlin ramble and talk about life and the afterlife. Guanlin knows he can count on him, he knows Daehwi will listen but he’s not so sure how he’ll take it this time.

It’s dark but Daehwi decides to turn on a lamp that lit up their room gloomily. Almost as if he senses that there was something wrong, Daehwi sits next to Guanlin and puts an arm around him.

“Daehwi, can I ask you something?” Guanlin takes a deep breath and Daehwi looks at him with warm, gentle eyes.

“Of course! What do you need?” The older boy perks up and eyes Guanlin curiously.

“Have you ever fallen in love?” The atmosphere suddenly shifts to something unusual and strange. Daehwi’s usual demeanor drops with his smile and it almost terrifies Guanlin.

They stay silent and for a second Guanlin believes that he has made the wrong move, asked the wrong question but Daehwi answers. “Yes.” The tone of his voice is distant and almost, sad.

“What was it like? What did you do?” Guanlin thinks he struck the wrong nerve from the way Daehwi is silent and unmoving yet the elder smiles at him.

“I fell in love when I was about 15 or 16.” Guanlin nods understandingly. “He was a boy from my class.” Daehwi smiles with a hint of pride in it.

“What was he like?” Guanlin decides to pry a little more. He notices the way Daehwi lights up a little more than usual.

“He’s wonderful,” Daehwi looks upward, remembering all the moments he spent in his old life. “He was also my best friend. His name was Jinyoung and my god, just thinking about him makes my heart flutter.” Daehwi giggles a little and Guanlin smiles at how bright he looks.

“Did you ever tell him?” Guanlin asks but Daehwi tilts his head and sends him a puzzled look. “Did you ever tell him you loved him?”

Like a balloon that pops, Daehwi deflates. The light from his eyes burning out and Guanlin wants to hit himself for asking too many questions. Daehwi straightens up as if reminding himself that it was in the past and that it shouldn’t hurt any more but Guanlin knows it probably still does. “I told him I loved him but I think he meant as friends. I never told him I was _in love_ with him.”

“One last question,” Guanlin says and Daehwi snickers. “Do you regret falling in love with him?”

Daehwi pauses for a moment then smiles once again. There is sadness in his eyes but there is also a sense of contentment. “No,” He shakes his head. “Because my heart was happy with him.”

Guanlin leans back on the couch and thinks how happy his heart is with Jihoon. He thinks of how everything feels right, feels perfect with him. He doesn’t regret falling for Jihoon, he just hates how he had to fall for him this way.

“Why all the questions, Guanlin?” Daehwi’s voice snaps him out of his dazed state and he’s brought back to reality.

“Daehwi, I think I’m in love.” Guanlin admits and he can finally feel himself breathe normally. His shoulders feel a little lighter, his heart a little bit calmer.

Again, there is silence besides the ticking clock and the millions of different scenarios running inside Guanlin’s head. Everything he wishes to tell Jihoon is inside him, constantly hoping to break free.

“It’s Jihoon, isn’t it?”

A lump begins to form inside Guanlin’s throat, it sits there like a rock and every time he swallows it grows heavier and heavier. He wants to cry and scream and thrash around but he knows that it won't help his situation. No amount of crying and screaming will ever erase the fact that his heart now belongs to someone he can never have. He wants to deny it and pretend that Daehwi was being ridiculous and that nothing was wrong, he was simply in love.

He hates how he had to fall in love with the wrong person.

Guanlin didn’t need to answer the question; From the way his tears fell and covered his cheeks, Daehwi understood. “Guanlin, you know this comes with consequences right?”

“I know.” Guanlin nods, tears continuing to stream down on his face while his heart swells and aches.

Daehwi grabs his younger friend and wraps his arms around him. He was smaller than Guanlin yet at this very moment, the younger boy seemed fragile and delicate as he curled up inside Daehwi’s arms. “I’m not going to tell you to stop. I know how it feels to fall in love and you’ll get through this. No matter what happens, I'll be by your side.”

The two boys sit on the couch until the early morning comes. Guanlin pours his heart out while Daehwi sits and listens to his friend’s heart breaking into pieces. 


	7. Seven

Guanlin spends another day with Jihoon and just like always, his heart has never felt happier. He’ll miss it, that’s for sure. Days where they go around the city, exploring their favorite places while they talk about things they love the most; He’ll miss the energy, the breeze, the way Jihoon’s hands are intertwined with his when they‘re alone. Nights where Jihoon can’t sleep so the two end up hunched under the covers, laughing about the stupidest things are what he’ll especially miss. In all honesty, it doesn’t really matter where they are, whether they’re in Jihoon’s bedroom or outside, as long as Jihoon is next to him, Guanlin is happy, contented.

The angel comes home that night with a smile on his face and the fullest heart. He can’t wait to tell Daehwi about his day while the older boy just teases him about how whipped he is—he can’t really argue since Daehwi’s right.

Guanlin seeing Jisung on his couch with a disappointed look on his face as he enters his room is the last thing he would have expected. He knows what’s it about and this time, he can no longer avoid it. Anyone who knows Guanlin even a little would notice a change in his mood, his smile, his eyes; It’s written all over his face that he’s head over heels. And Jisung, known for his perception and awareness, would obviously know what was going on.

“Jisung…” Guanlin tries to not notice the way Jisung looks at him but his heart, his mind knows that this whole day is about to get worse. His palms begin to sweat and the familiar anxious stirring in his stomach consumes his insides.

“Guanlin, sit down.” Jisung’s voice is serious and quiet. Guanlin complies with the request and takes a seat next to Jisung, making sure to keep a safe distance from him because he was terrified of the way the older angel looked at him.

“I warned you about what would happen and still, you didn’t listen.” Jisung says as if Guanlin didn’t know what he had done.

“I - I’m sorry.” He apologizes like he’s sorry for falling for Jihoon, like he’s sorry that his heart belongs to him. He’s not, but he doesn’t know what else he should do except apologize and feel sorry that this love of his is a mistake.

“Apologizing doesn’t do anything, Guanlin.” Jisung snaps harshly and his tone makes Guanlin flinch. The older angel realizes how he sounds and immediately puts a hand on Guanlin, like he always does. “Don’t be sorry. I know it’s not your fault.”

“I don’t know what to do.” Guanlin feels like breaking down again. Every single time he thinks about how much he loves Jihoon, he ends up in tears; His heart on his palms, crushed to a million pieces.

“You can’t really do anything anymore,” Jisung sighs, placing his hands on his hair. The wrinkles on his face becoming more evident from the way he frowns. “The Archangels found out.” Guanlin gulps and he knows he’s done for and that all he can do now is probably accept whatever punishment is headed his way.

“What’s going to happen to me?” Guanlin asks sadly. The way Jisung looks at him, the way he grips his hand, makes Guanlin feel worse. “What’s going to happen to Jihoon?” He’s afraid to find out—he doesn’t want to hear it but he knows it’ll hurt more if he doesn’t know.

“I - I haven’t talked to the Archangels yet but it won’t be good, Guanlin. You went against the Heaven’s rules.” Jisung looks at him with so much care and worry and pity. Guanlin begins to hate himself for feeling this way, for feeling anything at all. He disappointed everyone around him, he’s ruining himself and he might even ruin Jihoon.

Guanlin nods. What else can he do but take whatever they give him? He can’t fight back. He can’t deny or complain because it’s all true and it’s all his fault.

“I think you should say goodbye to Jihoon.” Jisung puts a hand on Guanlin’s shoulders as if it could serve as comfort to the fact that he was about to say goodbye to his first love, to the one person he finds all the hope in the world in. “I know it’s easier said than done but it’s going to hurt even more soon.” Guanlin knows that anyone can tell him that because they don’t know how it feels like to be with Jihoon, to find the world in him.

Only Guanlin knows and he knows that nobody else can understand—not even himself.

“I - I don’t think I can do it.” Guanlin is crying again. The tears continue to stream down on his face and his chest feels heavy with every breath he takes. His head is pounding and all he wants to do is to go to bed and forget everything he has ever done. He wants to pretend that nothing is wrong and that when he wakes up the next day he doesn’t have to think how much time he has left with Jihoon. All he can worry about is whether or not Jihoon was happy and okay, it was easier for him.

Guanlin knows it isn't possible but it doesn’t stop him from hoping.

“You’ll have to do it anyways.” Guanlin’s vision blurs from all his tears and Jisung, always caring and thoughtful, swipes them away with his fingers.

Jisung hugs him tightly while Guanlin cries on his shoulder in attempt to let out every mistake he has ever done.

*

A few days later, Jihoon’s condition begins to worsen. He only attends school a few times a week since his daily hospital trips have been his parents main concern. Guanlin watches everything unfold from Jihoon’s parents silently cry in their room to Jihoon no longer having the strength to carry himself out of bed. The angel pretends not to notice the way Jihoon tears up when his parents worry about hospital bills or how he blames himself for getting sick. It hurts him to watch Jihoon crumble and grow weaker with each passing second; It makes him feel like a bystander, a mere witness and not his guardian angel.

Jihoon is lying in bed, his face looking paler than last week. Around him are his favorite stuffed animals, the polar bear, the penguin and the big brown bear Guanlin remembers him hugging when they first met. Guanlin is sitting on the chair from across the room, just watching Jihoon sleep while silently hoping to God that Jihoon would be okay.

Guanlin wishes to go back to when they first started; When all he ever worried about was whether or not he was gonna be a good guardian angel. He wants to go back to the day he first saw Jihoon—bright smile and starry eyed. Now, all he can see is Jihoon barely being able to breathe properly or stand up, he can see Jihoon grow thinner and weaker, he watches the color on Jihoon’s usual pink cheeks turn into a dull, gray color.

It seemed like the more Guanlin fell in love, the more Jihoon began to weaken.

“It’s cold.” Jihoon suddenly says. His voice is hoarse and rough, sounding like he had a cold that never really went away. Despite being tangled in mountains of thick blankets and large pillows, Guanlin notices him shiver.

Guanlin stands up and comes closer, worry taking over him. “What - what do you need? I can get you another blanket from your closet if you want.”

“Lay down next to me.” Jihoon whispers and gently taps on a small space next to him. Guanlin’s heart wants to leap out of his chest. As much as he wants to lay down next to him, he knows that if he does he’ll just fall deeper and he wouldn’t know what to do. He’s trying to get over Jihoon and lying in bed next to him does not do the job.

Guanlin steps away, his heart still springing inside of him. “It’s - I won’t fit. The space is too small.” He tries to reason out.

Jihoon looks at him with hopeful eyes, the same eyes Guanlin found the stars in. He can see it again, the constellations, the galaxies, from the way Jihoon’s eyes shine and glimmer in the dim light. “I’m really cold, Guanlin.” Jihoon insists as he moves a little more to make some space for him.

He gives in and he’s so glad he did. The way the warmth of the other boy blanket’s him, the way he fits perfectly in the space, the way Jihoon tangles his legs with his, just makes him feel a different type of home. A home he wishes to feel for all of eternity, a home that makes him feel alive and contented with how everything just falls into place.

Jihoon looks up at the taller boy, his head resting next to Guanlin’s chest. “If I get better does that mean your job is done? Does that mean you can’t be my guardian angel anymore?”

Guanlin doesn’t say a word but simply nods his head. He doesn’t want to say it out loud because if he does, it just makes it real—the fact that he might never see Jihoon ever again.

Jihoon laughs softly which surprises Guanlin. He smiles up at him and Guanlin is absolutely positive that his heart just melted. “Man, that just makes me feel like I shouldn’t get better.”

“Don’t say that,” Guanlin hits Jihoon playfully. “I want you to get better. I want you to stay alive.”

“But I want to keep seeing you. Who will I talk to now?” Jihoon whines.

Guanlin smiles at how Jihoon sounds and how Jihoon wants to be with him. He feels like he’s flying. “You’ll be graduating high school in a few months, anyways. I’m pretty sure you’ll gain new friends in university.”

Jihoon frowns. “That’s lame. After becoming friends with an angel, I don’t think I want anymore human friends.”

“Woojin would not want to hear that.” Guanlin shakes his head jokingly and Jihoon laughs. Guanlin’s going to miss the sound of that.

“He wouldn’t mind. He has Hyungseob anyways.” Jihoon pouts which makes Guanlin want to hug him and hold him for the rest of his life.

Jihoon’s eyes flutter prettily, the light from his lamp casting a shadow on his face making his lashes look like butterfly wings. His warm breath sending shivers down Guanlin’s spine. If this is what love felt like, Guanlin would not mind spending all of his life like this—warm touches and tangled legs.

“Come closer.” Jihoon whispers in the empty space as he squirms even closer leaving little to no space between them. Guanlin’s breath hitches and he thinks if Jihoon were to come a little closer, he’d be able to hear Guanlin’s heart pulsating, thumping, knocking like crazy.

And so Guanlin does inch closer to him; He takes in the smell of Jihoon's hair—it was something fruity or flowery. He wraps his arms around him and only then does he realize how small the other boy is, Jihoon’s body perfectly molding into his. Jihoon’s head rested on the taller boy’s chest whilst Guanlin rested his chin on Jihoon’s messy hair.

Jihoon stares at Guanlin and for a moment, Guanlin feels like Jihoon looked at him like he created the universe with his bare hands. He looks into Jihoon’s eyes and there it is—the glow of distant stars.

 _The stars are duller now._ Guanlin wants to say. _Yet still so, so beautiful._

From all of the times Guanlin wished he could become human again, from all the times he wished he was normal, nothing compared to this moment. Guanlin begged desperately in his head, that he could come back and just be with Jihoon—to allow him to be a permanent presence rather than a temporary one. He wanted to stay this way, caught up in Jihoon and nothing else. 


	8. Eight

It is the day of deliberation.

The day when he is going to find out what the Archangels have planned for him, what his punishment will be and what loving carelessly, recklessly has cost him.

His friends, his co-guardian angels are all inside a massive room. Large, tall stone walls surround him and it threatens him—it makes him feel small, hopeless. He hates the way the others have begun to look at him; They look at him with pity and disappointment and even disbelief. It wasn’t so different on Earth, where people looked at others with cold, narrow eyes. The atmosphere is tense and stiff and the fact that he was standing in the middle of the room, all eyes on him, makes him feel nauseous.

The enormous wooden doors open to reveal Jisung. He finally enters the room with an unreadable expression on his face and Guanlin can feel the acid in his stomach begin to rise up to his throat. Jisung walks towards him slowly, his steps are careful and gentle as if he wasn’t about to deliver the worst news possible. Guanlin can feel the beads of sweat trail down his neck and temple, his wipes it off with his sleeves. Not only that, but he fiddles with his fingers whilst piercing his own palms with his fingernails.

Here it comes.

Guanlin was taller than Jisung but from the way Jisung stares at him, he suddenly feels like he’s shrinking, deteriorating. “The Archangels have decided.”

There is a long pause and Guanlin wants to fill the silence of the room with his screams, his anger and frustration. Nobody makes a sound, nobody even dares to make a move and the atmosphere grows even more threatening.

He clears his throat and glances down to his feet. It was cold, he can feel the breeze but he can’t help but heat up and feel sick.

“You have fallen for a human being and as punishment, you must witness the human die.” Jisung says all in one breath. There is nothing in his voice, no care, no gentleness. The crowd of angels gasp and Guanlin can hear Daehwi sigh loudly from behind him while Daniel and Seongwu share whispers.

He would never forgive himself if he was the cause of Jihoon’s death. Guanlin’s one mission was to be a guardian angel—to care, to be a beacon of hope, to be by his side for as long as he needed it. He can’t believe that just because he fell in love with Jihoon, Guanlin was unable to fulfill his promise to look after him.

Guanlin kneels, the hard stone hitting his bones painfully. He looks up at Jisung with pleading eyes, his hands clasped together in desperation. Jisung avoids facing the young angel, so instead the elder looks upward. “Please…” Guanlin’s voice cracks and his shoulders rise up slowly and sink back down from the way he was breathing. He has never begged for anything in his life and he wishes that God could give him one more chance: _let Jihoon live_.

“It has been decided.” Jisung still avoiding the way Guanlin looks at him. Guanlin knows that Jisung feels sorry for him, so he begs once more, his hands hitting the floor with every plea. His throat was dry, his eyes were sore yet he continued to implore just in case anyone was listening to him.

“I - I’ll do anything you ask but please don’t let Jihoon die.” So much desperation dripping from his voice. Guanlin looks around to see if anyone else was feeling sorry, if anyone else’s heart was breaking. All he sees are his friends tearing up by themselves, trying not to look at him. He wishes that he was just a part of the crowd, that he was merely a witness to someone else’s carelessness but he wasn’t and he blamed himself for causing a disaster to unfold.

Jisung bends down and he sees the way Guanlin gazes at him with his young, forlorn eyes. “Guanlin…” He tugs on the younger’s arm to prompt him to stand. Guanlin shakes his head and grabs on his legs like a child. The young angel sobs as he poured his heart out, begging for the Heavens to spare the boy he loved so dearly. It was a futile attempt but Jisung commends the younger’s bravery.

Daehwi, Daniel and Seongwu run towards Guanlin who was still on his knees. They collectively pull him up to his feet; He was tall, thin and they held him up as he could barely even stand. Daehwi feels Guanlin slip his fingers on his palms, gripping it tightly. “He deserves to live. He didn’t do anything wrong.” Guanlin softly says. His tears flowed on his fair skin, leaving trails of despair on his cheeks.

“I - I can’t do anything anymore.” There is helplessness in his voice. Guanlin understood that Jisung disagreed with the punishment. None of them could do anything about it and Guanlin loathes the idea that he was completely defenseless and vulnerable.

When an angel’s person gets hurt, the guardian feels it first. Angels are somehow connected with their respective humans, serving as a reminder that they have another person to care and love. It was almost as if they shared the same heart from the way it hurt and loved together. The ache and throb is impossible to ignore; It feels like a heavy punch, a ponderous step right at the center of your chest and you won’t be able to breathe or speak or move. Guanlin feels just that as he suddenly clenches his chest and gasps for air. He collapses backwards from the pain. Fortunately, his friends were there to catch him before he met the ground.

Daehwi catches him first, his arms wrapped around the younger angel’s body. “Guanlin! Are you okay? What - what’s happening?” His panicked voice rings in Guanlin’s ears and snaps him out of his painful state.

Guanlin doesn’t answer since he can’t. He grits his teeth and closes his eyes from the sudden shock. “It’s Jihoon.” Jisung’s interjection catches them by surprise but they look at him oddly. “Something is wrong with Jihoon.”

Guanlin shrieks in agony and the crowd of angels that watched him beg a few moments ago step away from the scene until only the five of them were left in the center of the room. “We - we have to bring him to Jihoon then.” Seongwu stutters as he holds onto Guanlin. Daniel and Daehwi quickly nod in agreement as they glance at Jisung for an answer.

“The Archangels…” Daniel heaves heavily as he lifts Guanlin up from the ground. “What if they find out?” Guanlin’s eyes slowly roll back, his breathing beginning to slow and Daehwi tears up from simply watching.

“He needs to see Jihoon.” Daehwi states and again, there was no reply from the eldest angel who was holding Guanlin by the legs. “They’ll both die.”

Daniel carries Guanlin, the young angel was almost motionless except for the fact that he continued to grasp tightly onto his chest until his knuckles turned into a pale color. Guanlin squirmed and flailed from the pain but Daehwi and Seongwu held him, whispering gentle messages of comfort and empty promises. Jisung is standing a few inches away from them, still undecided on what he must do. The way Guanlin’s friends look at him, crestfallen and hopeless, is crushing but also enough for him to finally make a decision.

“Let’s go find Jihoon.” Jisung nods and he catches them softly smile at him.

The band of angels find Jihoon almost immediately. Daniel still had Guanlin in his arms whilst Daehwi holds onto his best friend’s hand, rubbing tiny circles on his palms. Jisung and Seongwu stand by the foot of a surgical bed. They land inside a surgery room filled with doctors and nurses clad in blue masks and gowns. The room was noisy, panicked voices and the continuous loud beeping of a unrecognizable machine fills the room. There were nurses running back and forth, handing the surgeons seemingly dangerous items. Jihoon’s face could not be seen from all the wires and tubes around him. Surgeons were working on his body, sticking unknown surgical instruments inside Jihoon’s torso. The pools of blood and clanging metal made the angels flinch.

The angels simply watched, partially amazed and partially horrified. They stood on the darker side of the room almost as if they were to stand by the bright light, they would be seen.

“Is - is he going to die?” The sudden sound of Guanlin’s voice makes the rest of them slightly jump.

“You’re awake.” Daehwi sighs in relief. Seongwu helps him stand as he put Guanlin’s arm on his neck while the other laid on Daniel’s. He was still weak and from the sight of blood, he felt like he was about to get weaker.

Guanlin grabs Jisung’s hand which catches Jisung off guard. His eyelids still feel heavy and though the ache is much more bearable, it’s still apparent in him. “Jisung, is he going to die?” He asks once more yet, afraid to hear the answer.

Jisung squeezes back and sends him a comforting smile. “Don’t worry, they're trying to keep him alive.”

“I don’t want him to die, Jisung.” The sound of Guanlin’s voice is just like that of a child’s. His friends pat him slowly and put their arms around him and for a short moment, he feels a little better.

“I don’t want him to die either, Guanlin.”

They stand there, watching the scene unfold in front of their eyes. Surgeons and nurses trying their best to help Jihoon get better—help Jihoon stay alive. The room had grown quiet, only the steady beeping of the machine echoed around them. Guanlin begins to regain back the feeling in his legs but he continues to grip on the two older angels for support.

Guanlin wants to replace the fear in his mind with hope and faith but how can he do that when he can see Jihoon laying down on an operation table—opened up and barely alive. Jihoon had been surrounded by a team of intelligent people and Guanlin wants to believe that they would keep him alive but as of this moment, he’s hoping for a miracle.

He remembers the first time he ever saw Jihoon in pain. Guanlin held him in his arms as Jihoon’s eyelids began to slowly shut. He remembers praying that day—praying that Jihoon would open his eyes and he would be able to see them twinkle and sparkle like they always do. Jihoon’s parents rushed in and brought him to a hospital while Guanlin waited until Jihoon opened his eyes again.

Until now, Guanlin still wishes the same. He wishes that after all of this is over, he’ll still be able to see the stars in Jihoon’s eyes and he doesn't care how long he has to wait, just as long as he sees them again. After surgery, he wishes that Jihoon would be free from the pain and that he’ll be able to run to his parents and tell them that he was well and that they no longer had to suffer from all the expenses and distress.

He just wants Jihoon to stay alive and be happy. Guanlin was willing to do anything as long as Jihoon achieves that.

The beeping sound of the machine is what brings Guanlin back to reality. He hears the room erupt in noise and he knows exactly what it means.

Jihoon was dying.

Guanlin decides to run towards Jihoon’s still body but Jisung holds him back and so do his friends. He pushes and tries to get away as he watches the monitor signify that Jihoon’s heart was failing, he was going through some sort of shock because his heart could not take the pain. Guanlin’s heart dropped to his stomach and all he wants to do is to run towards Jihoon and hold him.

“He - he can’t die. Please. Jihoon can’t die.” Guanlin trembles and every word that comes out of his mouth is barely audible or coherent.

_Jihoon can’t die. Jihoon can’t die. Jihoon cannot die_. Guanlin tells himself over and over again as if it had any effect on the situation.

“Is this the punishment?” Guanlin’s voice is harsh, threatening and the rest of the angels look at him with a hint of fear in their eyes. “Is this what I deserve? You’re going to let him die because I loved him?” He turns to Jisung and the angel simply looks down, as if in shame.

Jisung opens his mouth to say something but Guanlin beats him to it. “Jisung… Please, he can’t die.” Guanlin shakes his head continuously while they watched him cry, beg once more. “I’ll do anything. Tell me something else I can do and I’ll do it.”

There is a momentary pause and only the frantic voices of the surgeons can be heard in the room. Jisung then looks Guanlin in the eye. “There might be another way.”

Guanlin nods. He’ll take it. Whatever it is, he’ll take it as long as Jihoon stays alive. “What - what is it?.”

“We can make him live,” Jisung says and for a second, Guanlin breathes. “But he’s going to have to forget you and you’re going to have to leave him.”

Guanlin’s heart stops and the tight grip of his friend’s on his shoulders begin to loosen. He sighs and ultimately, decides from the two choices: let Jihoon die or let Jihoon forget him.

He deserved it, right? Guanlin was the one that fell in love and not Jihoon. If anybody deserved to feel the pain it was Guanlin. As much he wanted to be with Jihoon, there was nothing else in the world Guanlin wanted more. “I want him to live.”

Jisung gives him tight, soft smile and nods. Time stops for a fleeting moment and Guanlin makes use of it by looking at Jihoon for what could be the last time.

“Daniel and Seongwu will have to do it.” Jisung states. Guanlin looks at his two friends who were surprised by the sudden order.

“Guanlin, are you sure?” Seongwu steps closer to him and asks. He puts a hand on Guanlin’s shoulder and Guanlin just nods

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“We’ll try our best to keep him alive.” Daniel sends him a gentle smile and Guanlin puts all of his trust in them. He knows they’ll keep Jihoon alive, he knows they’ll finally make him forget.

The two angels walk towards the chaos but they look back once more at Guanlin who was looking at them with hopeful eyes. They stand next to the lead surgeon and lay their hands on Jihoon’s covered shoulders. Guanlin wants to think that Jihoon won’t totally forget him. He wants to think that he’s become a part of Jihoon’s life and even if they’ll never see each other again, his heart will remember.

Guanlin won’t really leave anyways. He’s still his guardian angel—he’ll be there.

Daniel and Seongwu hold hands and press their palms on Jihoon. Again, time stops and the power of the two angels create a blinding white light that lit up the entirety of the room. The angels look away from the sheer intensity and the light stays for a few seconds but it goes away as soon as the two angels let go. Time is still frozen and Guanlin uses this chance to go to Jihoon.

Jihoon’s eyes were obviously shut and majority of his face was covered by a large tube coming from his mouth. Guanlin shivers as soon as his fingers graze Jihoon’s cold skin. The familiar feeling of his touch triggers his tears. “I - I’ll be here.” His voice trembles but it doesn’t affect the sincerity of his emotions. “I will come as the rain, the snow. I will be the blow of the wind and the rush of the water and I will be every single star in the sky. You are my whole heart, Jihoon. I will always be here.” He whispers in Jihoon’s ear and hopes that his heart is listening.

Guanlin steps away and so do Daniel and Seongwu. The heart monitor begins to speed up and ultimately, it slows down and Jihoon’s heart is finally beating normally.

He’s alive.

The people in the room cheer for a moment and Guanlin wants to join them but instead, he stands and stares. He’s happy, of course he is, but he can’t help but feel a little empty.

They all sigh in relief when they see that Jihoon’s surgery had gone well. The angels watch as the surgeons close up and finally bring Jihoon to another room. The nurses and staff clean up the bloodied instruments and the dirtied masks and gowns. The room is empty except for the five angels who still stood by the darkest corner of the room.

“What’s going to happen to me?” Guanlin asks yet he continues to stare blankly at the empty space where Jihoon’s body had been a few minutes ago.

“You’ll be assigned to someone else.” Jisung says and Guanlin accepts it.

The angels visit the room where Jihoon currently stayed. He laid on the bed, his chest heaved up and down from every breath he took. They watched as Jihoon’s parents came running into the room with tears in their eyes. Jihoon’s mother immediately held onto her son’s hands and kissed them while his father stood by his side and petted his hair.

“Your son was very lucky.” The surgeon who had lead the operation enters the room with a clipboard. He smiles at them proudly and Jihoon’s parents turn and bow to thank the man for his hard work. The angels, on the other hand, simply hold each other. They didn’t really know what to do since they can’t decide whether or not today was a victory or a loss.

“Mr. Shin, thank you so much. You saved my son’s life.” Jihoon’s father steps forward to hug the younger looking man.

The doctor smiles and shakes his head. “It’s my job to do so, sir.”

“Is - is the tumor gone now? Is he going to be okay?” Jihoon’s mother leaves her son’s side and sends the doctor a worried look.

“He’s going to be fine, Mrs. Park.” The man smiles while Jihoon’s parents sigh in relief and weep tears of joy. No more hospital trips, no more fear. Their son was finally going to live like everybody else.

“You - you said his operation was risky and he only had little chance of living. What happened?” Jihoon’s father wipes his tears with a handkerchief.

“A miracle happened.” And so, the angels fly up to the Heavens. 


	9. Nine

_Two Days._

Two days pass and Guanlin can hardly get out of bed. He sleeps they days off as if it would make time stop and allow him to heal for awhile. Every night, he tosses and turns as every crevice of his heart yearns to hold, touch, love Jihoon. His chest aches every time he breathes and every time he opens his eyes, he feels the emptiness of the space next to him. His arms that were made to be wrapped around Jihoon, his eyes that were made to watch, witness, stare at him, his fingers that were made to graze over Jihoon’s soft skin and fingers—every single part of him now felt bare and cold.

Days pass and Guanlin can only find comfort in the warmth of his bed. When he wakes up, all he thinks about is Jihoon and so, he cries and cries until he can no longer feel anything around him; He cries until his eyelids shut and the next morning arrives. It goes on like that for a few days. Daehwi comes in his room every once in awhile to check up on him, bring in food. Guanlin makes sure to pretend to sleep whenever Daehwi enters because he doesn’t want Daehwi to see how broken and miserable he is.

He doesn’t want anyone to see how pathetic he looks.

_Two Weeks._

Two weeks go by and Guanlin finally finds it in himself to force himself out of his room. Nothing seems to have changed yet at the same time, nothing really feels the same. Daehwi immediately smiles at him and gives him a hug as soon as he steps out. Guanlin hangs on to his best friend as he sheds a few more tears—one last cry before he faces the world and leave the past behind him. Daehwi rubs his back and lets him cry as much as he wants to on his shoulders.

They go out to eat for the first time in weeks and all the angels give him a look —Guanlin knows that look all to well now. Daniel and Seongwu sit with them. They tell Guanlin how much they missed him but Guanlin notices the way they avoid eye contact and look away. He notices the way his friends smile at him sadly and stare at him with worry as if he was going to break down any moment.

He would if he could.

Guanlin goes home that night and thinks about what Jihoon would be doing as of that moment. He thinks about whether or not Jihoon could feel the same emptiness he felt. It’s impossible but it doesn’t stop Guanlin from hoping that Jihoon missed him back.

_Two Months._

Two months and Guanlin pretends that he’s better, that he has finally healed. He smiles and laughs and goes out with his friends more than usual. Guanlin knows that nobody buys it yet he appreciates the fact that they pretend with him as well. It’s easier that way. No more breakdowns, no more worried looks, no more reminders that Jihoon was gone.

Jisung finally gives him his new assignment. It was an 8 year old girl who was constantly being picked on and needed help with opening up to her parents and defending herself. Guanlin accepts it since Jisung tells him that all he needed to do was to guide her and help her find the strength within herself.

He can hardly do it for himself but at the very least, he should do it for someone else.

It felt odd that Guanlin was around her every day yet not once has she ever seen him. Every now and then he would forget that he was an angel and that technically, nobody should be able to see him. He wasn’t used to sitting and watching in silence.

Either way, Guanlin enjoys watching over her. She was almost like a little sister to him even if she didn’t know he even existed. He even found himself feeling genuinely happy when she won an award in school and told her parents about it. He watched her proudly present the certificate to her parents as she comically reenacted the moment. His heart felt like it was finally falling back to place.

He was getting better.

That night, she prayed to God and told him how thankful she was that she made her parents happy. She asked God for one last thing before she finally drifted off to sleep—a sibling. Guanlin quietly laughs to himself and when he gets home he congratulates himself for not thinking about Jihoon even once.

*

_2 weeks and 4 days._

“You should really take out the stuff from your pocket before putting them in the laundry.” Daehwi huffs as he marches in the room. Guanlin was too busy intently reading a book to notice the way his friend glared at him.

“I forget, Hwi.” Guanlin puts down his book and Daehwi just rolls his eyes in response. “What did I leave this time?” The younger sighs. Last time, he left the keys and another time, a melted chocolate bar that Daehwi had to clean up since Guanlin couldn’t do it himself.

“You’re really lucky I check every time.” Daehwi walks towards Guanlin with a pair of Guanlin’s pants. The older boy digs through Guanlin’s back pocket and unfolds something. “It’s a note and 1000 won.” He hands them to Guanlin who eyes the items suspiciously.

Guanlin opens up the crumpled piece of paper. It had been ripped from a notebook and had been written messily with a dark blue pen. The handwriting was way too familiar and Guanlin knew very well who it belonged to.

_Guanlin,_  
_Thank you for making me feel what falling in love is like._  
_You win._

_P.S. Here’s 1000 won just like what I promised you. I slipped it into your pocket when you slept over that one night. I hope you don’t mind. I’ll give you the hug next time when I’m a little less bedridden._  
_Love, Park Jihoon_

For a moment, Guanlin can imagine Jihoon’s arms wrapped around him as he rests his head on the smaller boy’s head. For a moment, Guanlin can feel Jihoon next to him.

Guanlin closes his eyes and he is transported back inside Jihoon’s bedroom. The bed was undone, textbooks sprawled all over the desk, a grey hoodie hung on the bedroom door—it was as if nothing had changed. He imagines Jihoon sitting on his bed, hugging a stuffed animal while he laughed at something Guanlin did. For a while, Guanlin feels home.

He wants to cry but he doesn’t. It’s upsetting that he didn’t find the note sooner and that they never got to properly tell each other how they felt. It’s even more upsetting that they’ll never get to love each other. They were so close, they were almost there and now, it just feels like a missed opportunity. As much as Guanlin wanted to reminisce the past and cry about the what if’s and the almosts, he doesn’t because at least, Jihoon loved him back.

At least with the short time they had spent together, Jihoon probably cared for him the way he did. That, alone, was good enough for Guanlin.

He keeps the note and the 1000 won inside a small blue box hidden inside his drawer. For now, the note and the bill is simply a memory, a mere token of the past.

Guanlin still secretly hopes that one day, he’ll get that hug. 


	10. Ten

Guanlin is back to doing what he was made to do—being a guardian angel. Every moment was spent looking after another person and, after every victorious mission, every successful encounter, he feels himself _heal_. The wounds of the past, though still painful, was much more bearable now. Sometimes, he still found himself mourning over old memories just like everybody else but he tells himself he has moved on. He could wake up with a smile and he would go on with his day just like usual. His heart no longer ached and yearned like before.

Time continues to pass as it is expected to do so. And in the time he has spent being a guardian angel, he has met and helped different kinds of people. Each person having their own story and every single time Guanlin has to finally leave, a little piece of his heart stays with them. He’s used to it but sometimes, some people just own a bigger bit of him. Most missions are successful but some, not so. Yet, seeing them enter the Gates of Heaven makes it all worthwhile.

He loves his job, though emotionally draining and sometimes even slightly, traumatizing, he wouldn’t want to do anything else. Maybe Jisung was right about Guanlin—he was made to be a guardian angel.

Guanlin was walking around the department after another exhausting day from work. The Guardian Angel Department was the biggest from all the departments but looked just like every other office: desks with papers stacked on top of them, clicking sounds of keyboards and beeping noises from printers and telephones. Nothing exactly new as compared to offices on earth.

A voice calls out to Guanlin which stops him from his tracks. “New assignment, Guanlin.” Jisung says as he hands him a folder with all the needed information.

“Man, this job seriously has no breaks. I just brought in an old man who passed away a few hours ago.” Guanlin whines. If missions don’t go as planned, Guanlin brings their souls up to the Heavens and though it should be a good thing, this old man was, well, a chatty and angry one.

Jisung rolls his eyes and smiles at Guanlin’s childish complaints. “You’ll need to be more hands on for this one.” The elder pats the dark brown folder.

“Illness, isn’t it?” Guanlin asks and there’s a stirring in his stomach. He has dealt with other similar cases but every time, he feels a slight ache and sadness when he hears about it.

“Yeah.” Jisung nods and Guanlin sighs. Another long and depressing case he has to tackle. It’s always the terminally ill that get to him; They own his heart the most since they hit too close to home.

He opens the folder to see who was the unfortunate human being who must go through what feels like the longest battle in the world. The picture in the upper right hand corner was blurry yet just from looking at it, his heart already feels the heaviness. It was an old woman probably in her mid 60’s and she had crinkles right next to her eyes as she smiled brightly at the camera. Her wrinkles were evident from her old age but she still looked warm and gentle. She had a familiar smile, as if Guanlin has seen it before.

“Should I head over there now?” Guanlin stares at the current location written on the woman’s profile. It was a hospital he has been to many times before and each time he steps foot inside the cold, white-walled building, he feels the weight of the world rest on his shoulder. He knows that every single time he sees its suffocating cream walls and linoleum floors, somewhere in the building somebody was going to die.

“Yeah, the last time we checked she was still resting and had no visitors.” Jisung informs. Guanlin frowns at the fact that nobody was there to be with her. It was always heartbreaking to meet an older person who seemed to be left alone by the world.

Guanlin sighs one last time and bids his farewell to the older angel. He flies down to the all too familiar hospital, the smell of alcohol and an unknown scent greeting him as he lands right in front of her room. Staring at the nurses and doctors that pass right through him, he finally enters the small room. The sight of the woman just laying down with wires and tubes all over her is enough for him to feel the heaviness inside his throat.

“Sorry I was late, Mom. I stopped by the convenience store before getting here since I needed to buy a few stuff.”

Guanlin turns to see where the voice was coming from and sure enough, there was somebody else in the room sitting across the woman’s bed. He was clad in a dark blue polo and black jeans and his hair was styled upwards showing all of his features. The boy shuffled through a paper bag and took out two packs of ramen and two bottles of banana milk.

From just the way the stranger’s eyes sparkled, it was enough for Guanlin to figure out where he has seen those stars before.

The angel steps back and leaves the room quietly. _It can’t be_. Guanlin holds back his tears and closes his eyes. _It can’t be_. He wants to run but he can’t, he’s not allowed to. Guanlin internally debates on entering the room again or just, leave and tell Jisung that he can’t do this case. _It can’t be_.

Ringing in his head, the mantras of denial continue to overflow inside of his brain. He stumbles back, his feet fumbling underneath him but lucky enough, he caught himself before he could trip over himself.

Now, Guanlin knows why her smile was so familiar and why he felt an unusual attachment to her from just the way she looked on her photo. He has seen her before: He has seen her cry out to the Heavens asking them why her son had to live in agony. He has seen her body sink to the sofa late at night because she was too exhausted to go further into her own room. He has seen her from the way Jihoon smiled, laughed, talked.

Time has passed but Jihoon still glowed and sparkled like every other star in the sky. He didn’t look much different from before, he still had the prettiest smile and the most gorgeous eyes but compared to before, he was much more mature. He had a certain edge and confidence that didn’t show in the past but certainly radiated now. Guanlin wished he was there to witness all that—the growth in confidence, the pride in his stature but he also couldn’t help but miss the soft spoken, shy Jihoon who always dressed in clothes too big for him and always looked so young and vulnerable.

Guanlin almost forgot how madly in love, head over heels he was but after seeing Jihoon today, he is reminded of everything—the what if’s, the almosts, the unfulfilled promises.

Now, he feels like he’s falling in love all over again.

Except this time it’s less about jolts of electricity and butterflies but more about assurance and unpredictable heartbeats. In the past, he was so afraid of acknowledging his feelings. His emotions were always a mix of denial and confusion and longing. This time, he’s sure. Seeing Jihoon again after years of empty mornings and cold evenings, convinces Guanlin that this time it could be right.

Maybe, just maybe, seeing him again means something. Guanlin thinks.

The door opens to reveal Jihoon leaving the room with a phone pressed to his ear. Guanlin moves away and hides in case Jihoon catches him. Despite the fact that he hid, Guanlin wonders whether or not Jihoon would be able to find him sitting down, shielding his face so ehow hoping for the best.

The angel checks on Jihoon’s mother who was still sleeping soundly to the steady beats of the machines watching over her tranquil state. Guanlin sits next to her and holds her hand, unsure whether or not she would be able to feel it.

“Mrs. Park, if you’re listening, I am your guardian angel but right now, I would really wish if you could allow me to go after your son?” Guanlin said out loud. It was pathetic to ask. First of all, he was an angel and she wouldn’t be able to hear him and second, she was asleep. The whole idea of it was ridiculous, but again, maybe, just maybe, she was listening.

Guanlin only hears the soft, gentle breathing of the older woman and the sound of his heart thumping loudly inside of him. He feels a finger slightly twitch under his hand but he isn’t too sure if it was mind playing tricks on him or Mrs. Park actually sending him her approval. Either way, he takes it as an approval.

He stands up and runs out the door, looking for the boy he left his heart with. People pass through him without them knowing yet he continues to pave his way around the massive building. The winding hallways and cream white walls move with his long legs like a film on fast forward. Guanlin almost feels alive from the way his heart heart rapidly beat inside his chest and the way his legs ached from all the running.

Guanlin found Jihoon sitting on a bench outside the hospital, the phone still on his ear. Slowly and calculatedly, Guanlin walks towards the trees that served as shade for Jihoon. Each step he took felt heavy and his heart threatened to burst right out of his chest. He watched him as he laughed and smiled and Guanlin swears that Jihoon looks like an angel—ethereal, heavenly.

The sun was shining harshly on him, the stirring in his stomach was uncomfortable, there was another person waiting for him upstairs, the wounds he thought healed were stinging him again—so many factors told him that it just wasn’t right anymore. It wasn’t right to go back to the boy he loved and adored because he was someone from the past and Guanlin had no right to bring him back.

And so, Guanlin looks at him one more time and decides to turn away.

What if he did approach him and Jihoon didn’t see him, what would he have done? What if Jihoon saw him but didn’t recognize him because of the miracle? So many different possibilities and each thought made Guanlin’s head throb. Guanlin reminds himself that he has moved on and that Jihoon no longer meant the world to him; He repeats it over and over again until it’s the only things he hears.

“Guanlin…”

The angel turns around to see Jihoon standing and staring at him. Guanlin thinks he’s making it up inside his head.

“Guanlin…” Jihoon calls out to him again, his voice sounding more desperate than the last. The distant echo of Jihoon’s voice makes Guanlin believe that he’s in a dream, that everything is just bouncing inside his head, messing with him and soon enough he’ll wake up and it’ll no longer be real.

“How - how can you see me?” Guanlin asks Jihoon as if he hasn’t already asked the exact same question years ago. He still wants to hear the answer just to prove to himself that he wasn’t imagining it.

“I told you. I can see ghosts.” Jihoon says and there is something with the way his mouth inches up almost like a knowing smirk that makes it real. His shoulders heave up and down and if Guanlin listened closely he would be able to hear Jihoon’s sharp, heavy breathing.

“This is impossible.” Exasperated? Amused? Surprised? Guanlin doesn’t know how to describe it but something certainly was shaking his insides—like a shiver of some sorts. “How - how do you remember me?” It wasn’t impossible for Jihoon to remember but it also wasn’t highly possible.

“Nothing is impossible, Guanlin. If I can see ghosts and talk to angels, remembering the love of my life wouldn’t be so far-fetched.” Jihoon’s mouth forms into a tight lipped smile. Maybe he’s just trying not to laugh at Guanlin’s furrowed brows and shaky fingers but either way, he smiles and Guanlin feels like he’s being brought back to Heaven.

 _Love of my life_. The way Jihoon says it sounds natural; It sounds perfect and meant to be as if he’s practiced it over and over inside his head a million times before. Guanlin wasn’t sure if his heart was breaking apart or piecing itself together but from the way Jihoon looked at him with his twinkling eyes, Guanlin decides that it was most likely the latter.

The stand across each other at a weird, unusual distance and Guanlin thinks how he’s never been this far from Jihoon. A couple more steps and they’d be inches apart, a couple more and they’d inhale each other’s breaths, and if any of them dared to move even closer they’d probably melt into one another. Guanlin is afraid, unsure and he thinks that Jihoon probably felt the same way from how the latter shifted in his stance and avoided to look him in the eye. The sun continues to glow harshly even slightly burning Guanlin’s skin but then again it casted a hazy, golden luster on Jihoon’s face and my god, all Guanlin is thinking of is how incredibly alluring the boy was.

Maybe things were falling back to place after all.

“How long has it been?” There is a slight shake in Jihoon’s voice and the twinkle in his eyes have transformed to crystal like teardrops, flowing down his cheeks like water droplets on a broken faucet.

“8 years.” Guanlin answers with a similar nervous tremor in his voice. 8 years without Jihoon. 8 years of longing for him with every beat of his heart. 8 long years of missing him for a lifetime.

“Where - where have you been?” Jihoon’s tears fall slowly from his eyes and Guanlin’s heart crumbles. He wants to run to him and hug him and apologize for not staying. He doesn’t because he knows it isn’t time.

Not yet Guanlin pushes back the urge to run his fingers on Jihoon’s soft skin.

“Around. Saving lives.” Guanlin chokes up and his crying is messier and not as gentle as Jihoon’s who simply looked at him with gleaming eyes and tear stained cheeks. He made himself sound like a hero, like he was someone who was off doing good when in actuality nothing really seemed right after he left.

“Why did you leave?”

And then it hits.

Guanlin knew the question was going to come up and he was unfair and selfish for hoping that Jihoon would just forget and celebrate whatever it is they had right now but Guanlin obviously knew that Jihoon deserved better—he deserved answers. He just hoped that once the question finally came to the table, it wouldn’t hurt so much and he’ll be able to muster up the courage to tell him why he left and why it took him so, so incredibly long to come back.

The lump in his throat grows and he swallows so hard that it aches. “I had to.” Guanlin hates himself for not knowing what else to say except that he had to. He had to leave him, forget him, move on from him and never come back. There was nothing else he could say except that he had to.

“Tell me why you weren’t there for me.” The whites of Jihoon’s knuckles appear and he grits his teeth, his jaw clenching and grinding intensely that it scares Guanlin. His voice sounds threatening, the way it rumbles and cracks all at once makes Guanlin flinch and he wants cry even more.

 _Because I had to leave. I had to_. Guanlin wants to say.

“If I didn’t leave, you would have died.” The angel whispers and he notices the color finally rush back in Jihoon’s fingers.

“But I would have been with you.” Jihoon looks at Guanlin and there is sadness in them. His eyes no longer looked like stars because now they look like missed opportunities and reminders of all the mistakes he has done. Guanlin hates when Jihoon says that because he doesn’t deserve to be the person Jihoon would want to die for. He doesn’t want Jihoon to get rid of his future, his family, his friends for someone—or something—that can never even stay long enough to be there for him.

“But I wanted you to stay alive.” And Guanlin will say it over and over again, a million times if he has to, just to prove to Jihoon that his life, his happiness is the only thing Guanlin is ever concerned about.

“It’s been 8 years without you.” Jihoon’s eyes could probably burn a hole on the ground from the way he stared down at the cobblestone path. “Do you know how long I waited for you to come back to me?” He looks up once again to face Guanlin, his fingers pointing to himself as if to affirm just how much he had waited.

“I’m sorry.” Was all Guanlin could ever really say now. He’s sorry that he left. He’s sorry that he messed up. He’s sorry that he fell in love. He’s sorry that it was all his fault. Guanlin wishes that those two simple words were enough—even if they weren’t—for Jihoon to come back to him.

Guanlin knows it’s not and he’s a fool for hoping so.

“You should be.” Jihoon mutters under his breath and it stings Guanlin. The comment rubs salt on the freshly open wound, it pours acid on it and steps on it until it makes Guanlin wish he could just disappear.

“I’m sorry.” He wants to say it again in case Jihoon wanted to hear it again, in case the first apology wasn’t enough.

“Did you ever find my note?” Jihoon ignores the second apology and Guanlin pretends not to notice.

“Yeah.” The angel nods.

Guanlin isn’t the worst person—or angel—in this world. He’s done a few good deeds here and there and yes, he admits that not only has he done good but he’s also had his fair share of mistakes and regrets. If he were to evaluate his entire time being an angel, he could say he’s done a decent job. Yet all of his good deeds and excellent work do not deserve rewards. He doesn’t deserve accolades or trophies or even, medals that tell him that he’s doing great. It’s because he doesn’t think he deserves all of that since it’s his job, he doesn’t need the praise.

Certainly, he doesn’t deserve the hug that Jihoon gives him after everything he has done. He fell in love with him then left him and pretended like it would just get rid of everything they had. Guanlin certainly feels like he doesn’t deserve to feel the warm breath of Jihoon’s breath on his neck and the way Jihoon tightly holds on to him like he was clinging on to something so valuable.

Guanlin thinks he doesn’t deserve it yet he hugs back. He takes a deep breath of Jihoon’s shampoo—something fruity and/or flowery, just like before. He holds on to him as if he was never going to see the other boy again.

And that just might be true.

They stay like that for a couple of seconds, just taking in everything they had missed and longed for in the 8 years they weren’t in each other’s lives. Time is still at this moment they are in each other’s arms because for a moment it’s as if the world fell into its perfect place and there is a loud, indescribable click like the universe was just meant to stay like that. For a moment, Guanlin forgets he is an angel. Right now, he is just a boy grasping onto the love of his life like it could be the last time. He feels so human, so real and alive with the way his chest is against Jihoon’s, his heartbeat syncing with him.

They let go and they hear the noise of the world—people talking, leaves rustling, sirens in the distance. Time truly did stop for them and the moment they finally release each other, life began to go on like it was supposed to.

“You’re here for my mom, aren’t you?” Jihoon tilts his head to the side and Guanlin notices the tiny hint of disappointment mixing in with his inquiry.

As much as Guanlin wants to say that he was there for Jihoon, he doesn’t. He has duties, responsibilities and he doesn’t know if he’s lucky or unlucky that his new mission just had to be Jihoon’s mother. Consequently, Guanlin nods.

“Can you stay for me?”

And as much as Guanlin wants to stay for him, he knows he shouldn’t. He doesn’t want to risk making the same stupid mistakes again. At least now, Jihoon can remember him and more importantly, Guanlin finally got the hug to prove that some time in Jihoon’s life he loved him too.

Maybe meeting him today wasn’t a new beginning and instead, the ending that they both deserved.

“Jihoon, you know I can’t do that.” Guanlin shakes his head and there are tears falling from his eyes again. He feels so bad and so frustrated that they had to meet each other like this.

“I can’t wait anymore. It took you 8 years to come back to me.”

Guanlin wants to apologize once more for leaving and making Jihoon wait for him for so long. He wants to apologize because he’s gonna have to leave him again and the both of them are going to have to live their life accepting the fact that nothing feels right anymore.

“I’m always around, Jihoon. This time, you don’t have to wait. You just have to look.”

*

Jihoon leaves to attend to another schedule. He tells Guanlin that he’s been busy the past few days since he was working on a new project—an upcoming film. Guanlin wished that Jihoon followed his dream of becoming a performer but Jihoon said that it reminded him to much of the angel, being a movie producer would have to do.

Either way, Guanlin is proud.

Guanlin goes back up to Jihoon’s mother who was still resting. The afternoon sun illuminating the room in a lazy, orange hue and Guanlin makes sure to sit at the darkest corner of the room, where the rays of the sun didn’t hit, because he was still feeling sorry.

“Take care of my son.” A shaky voice makes Guanlin jump from his seat and he sees the older lady trying to sit up from her bed. Her wrinkly, slim arms did poorly on trying to keep her steady and as much as Guanlin wanted to help her up, he was afraid of approaching her.

“Guanlin… Is that your name?” Guanlin gulps and he doesn’t answer. He tries to shift back, hide himself from the light. “I know you can hear me.” She says in a voice that hopes he would come out from his shameful darkness.

“How?” Guanlin scratches his head in confusion, ruffling his hair in the process. He can’t properly articulate himself because of how unusually bewildered he was.

The Park family was truly something else.

“How do you think my son was able to see ghosts?” The woman asks and again, Guanlin doesn’t answer. “He got it from me of course.” She says in an obvious tone as she points a finger to herself.

“Oh.” Is all Guanlin could really reply at this point. She motions him to sit next to her as she moves to her left to make some space for the young, bemused angel. He walks up to her in small, timid steps and all she does is snicker at him.

“I’ve seen you when you were still looking after my son. I knew you were different from the all other angels I have ever seen.” She says as she rests one hand on her stomach and another on Guanlin’s hands. He feels her rough, almost paper-like palms graze his. Her hands were definitely old, wrinkled, blue-green veins popping up from passing time. Guanlin doesn’t exactly know what she means by different but he’s too afraid to ask.

“So you knew me all this time?” Guanlin finally recovered his voice and assembled his thoughts. She nods and he looks down at his shuffling feet in shame. He was ashamed of falling in love with her son then inevitably having to leave him in the process making him deal with his own broken heart.

“Are you ashamed?” And Guanlin nods, replying to her question like a little boy accepting defeat. She laughs at this and he eyes her with confusion once again. Her eyes had a familiar twinkle in them, maybe not as bright as Jihoon’s but there was certainly a glint of sparkle.

“Don’t be.”

“I - I hurt your son, Mrs. Park.” Guanlin interjects and he’s afraid that what if she didn’t know about what Jihoon had to deal with when he left and she’ll suddenly come to her senses and put all of the blame on him.

“But you also saved his life.” She smiles and Guanlin can see where Jihoon gets his gentleness and earthly beauty from.

“How - How did you know that?” Guanlin didn’t think she would know that from the way she had thanked the doctor the night of Jihoon’s surgery.

“Jisung came by awhile ago and told me all about you.” Mrs. Park grabs the angel’s hands in the most motherly manner. The way she hold his fingers reminds Guanlin of Jisung and how careful, caring he always was to him despite the mess he had caused in the past. He doesn’t know what to think of Jisung telling Jihoon’s mother about him, he doesn't know why he did it and what he’s planning to expect from it and even more, Guanlin doesn't know if it’s a good thing.

“Take care of my son, okay?” She repeats the statement but this time it sounded more like a request.

“I’ll try.” He replies.

Two days later, she passes away.

Guanlin quietly stands in the corner of the room as he watches over her when suddenly his chest grows heavy, as if an enormous stone was placed on top of him making him lose his breath and balance all at once. He watches the machines frantically beep as they signal her life beginning to slip through her hands. Despite the pain he was feeling, he runs to Jihoon who was busy buying her a snack from a vending machine, little did he know that his own mother’s heart was failing.

Doctors and nurses dash inside the small, dark room as they do everything they can to revive the dying woman. She grips her bed sheets tightly as if it would allow her heart to begin beating normally again while Guanlin holds onto Jihoon’s trembling fingers and sweaty palms. In her last moments, she opens her eyes, and for a split second she turns to face Guanlin and her son, Jihoon, their hands intertwined with one another, she doesn't say a word but she smiles contently before finally taking in her very last breath. Jihoon lets go of Guanlin and runs to her side as the doctor announces her time of death.

The rest of Jihoon’s family as well as his father come rushing in the hospital in attempt to comfort him. Guanlin leaves him the next morning, except this time he isn’t alone Mrs. Park is with him, a hand on his shoulder, as he guides her way to heaven.

He leaves without a goodbye or a final greeting. How can he when Jihoon was grieving for the death of his mother? How can he approach someone who just witnessed his own mother heave her last breath? Guanlin doesn't want to cause Jihoon anymore pain so he leaves with no explanation. Maybe it's better that way—it's easier, quicker.

 

Maybe next time, Guanlin thinks.

 


	11. Eleven

__

“Guanlin, get dressed right now.” Daehwi nags as he tosses a white polo and a pair of black trousers on Guanlin’s bed. A slim, black ties makes contact with his face as Guanlin groggily raises an eyebrow and yawns.

The younger angel doesn’t respond to Daehwi’s nagging and instead, slumps back down in his bed inhaling the sweet scent of his pillows and blankets. Everything feels so warm, soft and comforting and getting up does not seem like a preferable option as of the moment.

“Come on, we’re going to be late.” Daehwi lightly slaps the tie on Guanlin’s forehead again and the angel simply covers himself with a pillow. “If you don’t get up right now, we’re going to get bad seats.”

Guanlin rolls his eyes and gathers all of his strength and power to sit up. His hair was sticking up in the oddest places and he can slightly feel the dried up drool at the corners of his lips. He hears Daehwi mutter a soft but not subtle “gross” under his breath to which Guanlin responds with a throwing a pillow straight to the older angel’s face.

“Hurry! You have twenty minutes left!” Daehwi excitedly reminds one more time before he finally leaves Guanlin’s bedroom.

He lazily gets into the suit Daehwi had given him a few minutes ago and gets dressed for whatever event they were having today. He doesn’t really remember what it was, he's been busy running around places, looking after people that he can’t exactly keep track of everything in the Angel world. Guanlin is always surprised and impressed that Daehwi somehow finds the time in his busy schedule to take note of important events. He brushes his teeth, puts on his shoes and meets Daehwi outside who was angrily tapping on his watch.

The two angels fly to Heaven’s very own City Hall. Massive, beige and golden columns with intricate carvings on its bases and translucent clouds decorate the large steps to the entrance. The place was nothing short of magical and heavenly, it reminded Guanlin of power from just the way it stood tall at the highest mountain in Heaven. Other angels had already began crowding at the bottom of the steps awaiting to enter the golden gates to the building.

Fortunately, the mass of angels had reduced as soon as the two angels landed. Enormous wooden doors, with a deep golden handle dramatically opened to reveal the intimidating entrance of the City Hall. The location of their event was somewhere in the 3rd floor and when they get there they spot two familiar heads amongst the crowd.

“You made it!” Seongwu yells from the other end of the hall to which a few guards and angels glare at him for. He was always loud but he was also, always excited. Guanlin smiles and waves at Seongwu and Daniel, whose heads were obnoxiously popping up from the mass of angels because they were so tall. Guanlin has not seen them in weeks because they all had their own missions to deal with but seeing all of them coming together today for an event he doesn't even know about, makes him feel a little sentimental.

“Let’s get in before we lose seats!” Daniel smiles, both of his front teeth sticking out like a bunny. The four angels enter and see the blood red chairs with dark brown arm rests, littering the room. They ultimately had to sit at the last few rows because all the good seats had been taken—to the disappointment of Daehwi, of course. In front of them was a stage with royal purple curtains hanging loosely at each corner with golden ropes and tassels wrapped around it like a ribbon.

“Why are we here anyways?” Guanlin whispers to Daehwi who was sitting next to him, raising his neck trying to catch a glimpse of whatever was on stage.

Before Daehwi could respond, the lights dim and familiar Archangels make their way towards the stage earning loud claps from the audience. Guanlin sees Jisung standing at the end of the line with a big, proud smile on his face.

“As you all may know, every 6 months we appoint our new batch of Guardian Angels.” An archangel with a bald head and a round face says in a deep, rumbling voice that echoes all around the auditorium. “Today, we are very lucky to appoint 50 new Guardian Angels. Kindly give a big round of applause for our newly elected angels!” The crowd cheers as 50 angels in gleaming white robes make their way towards the large stage. The lights grow brighter giving each one of them a effulgent glow and a remarkable heavenly presence.

Guanlin recalls his first time going up that stage. His legs were wobbly and shaky and he made sure that he walked behind everybody else since he never liked the idea of being on center stage. He remembers a young, innocent Daehwi and still loud, Daniel and Seongwu sending him thumbs up from the second row. Guanlin didn’t know who they were but he remembers feeling a little lighter, a little more confident.

All the memories flooding his mind made him feel drowsy. Guanlin could feel his head drop as his eyelids slowly shut. Now, he was kind of glad he was sitting at the back row of the auditorium since he didn’t want to risk the Archangels scolding him for disrespectful misconduct. He allows himself to fall asleep, it’s the least he could do for his body since he came home late last night after a tiring day at work. A little nap wouldn't be so wrong.

Guanlin thinks about his whole journey being a guardian angel and how until now, nothing really felt real to him. Being an angel has been the most surreal thing in his life and he’s still not sure how he got to earn the title of being a guardian angel when majority of his life he was so painfully mediocre and normal. He remembers how scared he was during his first mission and how he had to beg Jisung to stay with him for the day like a child. Everything feel so different now, instead of being one of the angels up on stage, he was one of the angels who had to watch and cheer. Nowadays, he awaits the new missions. He walks around Earth pretending like he’s one of them as he watches people pass through him like empty space.

Compared to before, when he used to long for attention and touch or just mere human contact, now, he doesn’t mind being invisible. Nobody has really looked him in the eye in a way that they could see him not as empty space or out of the ordinary.

 _Not since Jihoon_.

“Wake up, it’s over.” Daehwi’s voice echoes in Guanlin’s ear and he flinches. He hears Daniel and Seongwu snicker at him and he groans in response.

“How long did I sleep?” Guanlin says as his voice croaks slightly from his exhaustion.

“20 minutes or so.” Seongwu points at his black digital watch that already looks like it was greying from old age. They’ve insisted on getting him a newer and much nicer one but he can’t seem to let go of it. He says it's because it reminds him of his childhood but they all know it's because he can't manually read time by himself.

“Come on! Get up! We’re gonna go congratulate the newcomers!” Daniel bounces up like a small child which was always an odd sight since he was so tall and broad, an uncommon action people his age and size do.

Guanlin nods and they make their way towards the backstage that seemed to be able to fit almost a hundred people all at once. New angels in their perfectly white robes already making new friends with their fellow guardian angels. The four squeezed in through the crowds of people while also congratulating them and shaking their hands. Guanlin was never fit enough to do stuff like this because he was so awkwardly long and way too skinny that people—or in this case, angels—manage to not see him and elbow him in the process. It was a tough way out to the corner with the least amount of angels in them. He didn’t want to bother his three friends who were still busy getting to know the new graduates.

He looks at a few switches and feels tempted to fiddle with them but he doesn’t. Instead, he just stands there making sure his friends will still be able to find him despite the crowd.

“Guanlin…” He feels his heart immediately stop beating. Not just from the sudden voice but from how they said it, with a certain kind of serenity and just a hint of misery. Guanlin turns immediately and for the first time he isn't happy to see him.

“What - what are you doing here?” Guanlin grits his teeth in attempt to stop himself from shedding a tear. If he was here that could just mean one thing.

“Things happen. People die.” Jihoon shrugs as if it didn't mean much to him that he was no longer alive. He was draped in a white robe just like the new guardian angels and Guanlin isn't so sure what to make of it.

Guanlin doesn't know what else to say. Every single time he sees Jihoon, he always somehow loses track of everything and can never find the right words to tell him. He doesn’t know if he’s happy about seeing him again—that the Universe somehow gave them another chance. Guanlin wants to be, of course, but now he feels like Heaven isn’t for Jihoon, that he doesn’t need to see it yet and that he should spend his life on Earth making people happy and just begin anew.

“Why did you die, Jihoon?” Guanlin can feel his heart sink down to his stomach at the thought of Jihoon not being able to live a long, good life. “It’s not yet your time. It’s too early.”

“If you’re worried that I didn’t live my life to the fullest, I think I can say that I did. The movie I produced and helped writing was made and surprisingly won awards, I’ve helped out in charities, I’ve met wonderful people, I fell in love. I’ve done everything I can, Guanlin. Sometimes, things just end.” Jihoon gives him a smile but there’s something with the way he does it that makes Guanlin still feel sorry for him.

“It has been 11 years since my first mission. It has been 11 years since I first met you.” Guanlin’s voice trembles at the thought. It’s been so long but he can still remember everything like it happened yesterday.

“11 years later and I’ll be going on my first mission.” Jihoon says and he smiles and this time Guanlin can tell it’s genuine. Guanlin isn’t sure if it was because Jihoon was an angel now but he can definitely notice the glow and how he seems to stand out from the rest of the angels he has seen. Jihoon was always different, he always seemed to shine brighter than the rest. He always had a brilliant glow that Guanlin can never seem to ignore or forget.

“11 years and it’s still you, Guanlin.”

And Guanlin can feel his heart jump even after 11 years.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey uhhh thanks for reaching the ending of this fic!!! it took a lot of time for me to finish this since its the first time ive ever written a panwink fic and a full blown chaptered one at that. this is my longest fic EVER and i hope u guys appreciate it angst and all!!!
> 
> if you guys have any comments, suggestions or just want to tell me something feel free to leave it down below!!!
> 
> perhaps... u could leave me a kudos too heh lmfao
> 
> also thanks to ms moondaisies for helping me lol
> 
> waaahhh it is done this is the end i love u all


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